I find myself talking evening walks, and looking up at the stars. I find them, in a state of surprise, because I forget how they make me feel and what they do to me. I used to pray to the stars, sit at the front of the house and talk to them, send my worries out into the universe, and feel that they were hugging me.
Ever since I was a child, I dreamed about sitting on a roof at night time and perusing the stars. This dream was unfulfilled for a very long time, as my parents did not approve and my old bedroom did not have access to the roof. However, tonight the universe made up for that small mishap. Recently, my sister and I switched bedrooms. It is sort of a boring story, but it was for the better. I was sad to leave behind the lovely view of my old bedroom, and did not yet realize that my new bedroom would allow me to finally fulfil my dream. I've been living her for just over a month and as I was walking home, I found myself looking at the sky and wishing that I made more time to visit the stars. To really spend time with them properly. It clicked in my mind. The new bedroom, easy access to the roof; quiet, peaceful neighbourhood.
I got home and set to planning how to get on the roof.
Step 1.) Open blind all the way.
Step 2.) Take out screen.
Step 3.) Place chair under window.
Step 4.) Open window as far as possible, to make room for me.
Step 5.) Very carefully, climb out of window.
The sight was magical. After I overcame the initial fear of death, via logic (roof's are build to be sat on, construction workers sit on roofs as they add shingles), and let the anxiety pass...it was not hard to embrace the gift. My NE view looked like it was a forest, as far as the eye could see, from where I was sitting. The other trees appeared grander as well. I saw a shooting star, and for the first time in a long time, found a place where I truly felt at peace and safe, hugged by the stars. I grabbed my cup of tea from inside and found a nice little nook for myself to quite comfortably perch myself. It then occured to me, that I could do this anytime! Well, anytime, withholding family members or neighbours seeing ie. nighttime or early morning. :) Since my family would not approve of such things, I told myself that it would have to be my little secret, My Secret Garden.
I was feeling spread too thin and like I was running out of things to look forward to, like I was wasting opportunities to feel good and alive, because I was bored and lonely without my friends. However, tonight, I found a way to spend more time with my old friend, the stars. That short amount of time together energized me and helped me to believe that I am so much more than my circumstances now, and capable of achieving so much.
This is my first entry in almost two years. I've been fighting mental health issues and regressed into a very scared, very sad and angry individual. I am slowly healing and am glad that I found something to write about, after so much time away.