<body>




make your own way

enjoy your visit.

Yarn Became Her
Wednesday, September 30, 2020

AN: The following events occurred a few years ago, was recorded in writing about a year after and is only being published now ... for your enjoyment :) 


 I owned a ball of yarn. Teal. It was made of a soft silk. Somehow, after being used and unused, this ball developed an identity crisis and formed many knots. So many knots that it no longer made sense and lost its original shape; twas' no more a sphere, nor a geoid, but merely a confusing blob. These knots are no friend to the knitter and are surely uncomfortable for the yarn as well. However, magnification of  any textile sample reveals that it is constructed of highly organized knots. 


Every place that I have ever lived, I made sure that my vast collection of yarn came with me, one way or another. Other skeins confidently maintained their identity, neatly wound up. This particular ball of yarn was very sensitive and was predisposed to becoming even more deformed. Any sudden movement could result in further entanglement. My own life was already so tangled for far too long. I had little energy for most things. For a very long time I did not want to take on the task of untangling the yarn. 

”Today, I will untangle this ball of yarn,” I said to myself. It must be done in one go, too risky to do it any other way. I researched different techniques to wind yarn without fancy tools. A simple pencil became my sole equipment and my cat, my assistant.     

It was still daylight out and I cleared the floor. The living room floor, the kitchen floor, and the hallway in between. There are a few stages to untangling; unravelling, laying out, and then winding up again. One must discourage spontaneous felting by ensuring that loose strands of yarn never touch. If done incorrectly, it is a disaster. 

I carefully untangled and walked here and there in the house, laying the strands a safe distance away from one another. Soon enough, I was INSIDE the ball of yarn and surrounded by a complicated three dimensional map made by spies. I do not know where it led. The space that this project required grew larger and larger, and yet never ceased to amaze me. Within the hour my home was practically uninhabitable. 


Right before I was going to begin the next and final stage of winding, my sweet black cat, Holly, appeared. Of course, she wanted to play with all of this yarn. As a new cat parent, I did not foresee this dilemma, but from her perspective, this was a very well thought out birthday present. Perhaps she was happily watching all along and waiting until her present was ready? But sadly, my hard work could not go to waste. Not sure how she would react, I firmly but politely told her to not touch the yarn, "... even though I know that you want to more than anything." I then begged, repeatedly. Using my English words and sentences, I communicated to her that she is ONLY permitted to walk near the yarn but not play with it. I then resorted to body language and held up my hands repeatedly with the universal gesture for “STOP” accompanied by an expression in my eyes saying “Please, Holly - pretty, pretty please” as I described all of this to her. 


There was a brief pause. I held my breath. 

Pause. 

Pause. 

Pause. 

She stood up and sat still. 

Pause. 

Pause. 

Somehow, she understood. She might have even nodded, we had formed an understanding. 


I tied the end of the yarn to a pencil and began to wind. I now had the difficult task of simultaneously and carefully watching the yarn wrap around the pencil, keeping the rows neat, while keeping my other eye on Holly. She sniffed at the yarn as it skittled across the floor, like a small mouse, but no more. Watching with intrigue, but a fair deal of caution, she would follow me and the yarn, but not grab it. 


The young skein began to take shape and went from a neat line of rows to the beginnings of an imperfect globe. “I have become a human sewing machine!” I stated out loud, and then realized that can sum up the act of knitting in general. I felt great pride for all of the years that I have committed to knitting, even though I just produced about 3 projects that I truly take pride in. All intricate scarves, two of them for dear friends of mine.  


My excitement was building and building and the fear of failure that follows me wherever I go was melting away. I was almost done and it looked half decent. This skein could be the model on the front cover of Knitting Weekly. “I did it!!” 

Done. Untangled. Relief. 


I was overwhelmed with gratitude for my special little gal. She was sitting in her favourite spot and calmly watching. Her seemingly expressionless face, her eyes floating among fluffy black fur and piercing my heart with their warmth. We met at the Toronto Humane Society less than a year ago. I wanted a cat for nearly my whole life. That’s a lot of pressure to put on one individual. Her fur sometimes reminds me of the depths of the universe, or a forest; her eyes, the moon. Black fur actually consists of different shades of brown and gray and sometimes reflects the colors around it. 


I appreciate how she always sleeps in bed with me and almost never wakes me up. She is a gentle soul and has since shown respect towards plants, an injured bird, crystals scattered on a table, and all of my clothes. Her younger sister is learning but has shown great improvement in these areas. Holly makes a specific type of meow if she wants me to let her out on the patio but she will come running back the moment that I tap on the glass door with my finger. In my books, its an awful lot to ask of a cat to NOT play with the longest moving string of yarn ever. It's wired in them and mimicked by her favourite toys, but Holly understood and nodded to me. She is an amazing friend.  


  


 

            




Always There
Friday, October 24, 2014

I am a dancer. I sing with my entire body and breath for the first time on the dance floor. My heart guides my toes when to point and when to let my arms rise and fall. I leap off of the ground with ease and the floor boards do not squeak. Sometimes I dance with other dancers, and sometimes I dance solo, but I am always dancing with the floor. Every time my metatarsals push into the floor, the floor is pushing back and upwards.  If we let go of fear and allow ourselves to feel our surroundings, allow ourselves to make mistakes and simply exist in the process, miracles can and do happen. This is not only true in the world of dance, but other realms as well. I dream about dancing at a level that I have not yet reached in my awake life, but in my dreams, it is easy and fluid. Ever since I became acquainted with dance as a lifelong friend, I had a dream of dancing the way I can in my dreams, of leaping across the floor with grace, form, fluidity, strength, and passion.  The day that I was able to dance with ease, without judgement, without fear, and be in the moment, was the day that my dream started to come true, and something beautiful opened up inside of my chest that day. 

My sacred, beautiful, strong, silver and gold soul shines and sings when I dance. My soul comes alive and the pieces of me reunite. The girl who loves ice cream, cupcakes and tasting snow flakes; the women who has desire and passion, dreams, and fears, pain, and so much love in my heart it even surprises me. It has nothing to do with competition and everything to do with the beauty of the human body instrument; the grandness and potential that cannot be seen from the outside but only felt within. As the holy Qu'ran states, there is a universe inside each of us.


stars please
Saturday, September 21, 2013

I find myself talking evening walks, and looking up at the stars. I find them, in a state of surprise, because I forget how they make me feel and what they do to me. I used to pray to the stars, sit at the front of the house and talk to them, send my worries out into the universe, and feel that they were hugging me.

Ever since I was a child, I dreamed about sitting on a roof at night time and perusing the stars. This dream was unfulfilled for a very long time, as my parents did not approve and my old bedroom did not have access to the roof. However, tonight the universe made up for that small mishap. Recently, my sister and I switched bedrooms. It is sort of a boring story, but it was for the better. I was sad to leave behind the lovely view of my old bedroom, and did not yet realize that my new bedroom would allow me to finally fulfil my dream. I've been living her for just over a month and as I was walking home, I found myself looking at the sky and wishing that I made more time to visit the stars. To really spend time with them properly. It clicked in my mind. The new bedroom, easy access to the roof; quiet, peaceful neighbourhood.

I got home and set to planning how to get on the roof.
Step 1.) Open blind all the way.
Step 2.) Take out screen.
Step 3.) Place chair under window.
Step 4.) Open window as far as possible, to make room for me.
Step 5.) Very carefully, climb out of window.

The sight was magical. After I overcame the initial fear of death, via logic (roof's are build to be sat on, construction workers sit on roofs as they add shingles), and let the anxiety pass...it was not hard to embrace the gift. My NE view looked like it was a forest, as far as the eye could see, from where I was sitting. The other trees appeared grander as well. I saw a shooting star, and for the first time in a long time, found a place where I truly felt at peace and safe, hugged by the stars. I grabbed my cup of tea from inside and found a nice little nook for myself to quite comfortably perch myself. It then occured to me, that I could do this anytime! Well, anytime, withholding family members or neighbours seeing ie. nighttime or early morning. :) Since my family would not approve of such things, I told myself that it would have to be my little secret, My Secret Garden.

I was feeling spread too thin and like I was running out of things to look forward to, like I was wasting opportunities to feel good and alive, because I was bored and lonely without my friends. However, tonight, I found a way to spend more time with my old friend, the stars. That short amount of time together energized me and helped me to believe that I am so much more than my circumstances now, and capable of achieving so much.

This is my first entry in almost two years. I've been fighting mental health issues and regressed into a very scared, very sad and angry individual. I am slowly healing and am glad that I found something to write about, after so much time away.


attempt at proper poetry
Sunday, January 8, 2012

I am so safe, protected and cared for by you.
Your gentleness and affection is the purest form of beauty that I've ever known.

Your love for me is felt deeply without words ever having to be said and I will love you forever. This most soft light that you have shared with me through every hug, smile and touch leads me in the direction of love.
Some live their entire life without feeling complete love and trust for another soul and now I know how much I need you.

I have met many demons and lived with some but they no longer have the same hold over me as they once did, for I now know that I am always protected by you.

- written on 30 December, 2011


Prologue

I have changed so much; one would anticipate that I am be capable of writing of the many ways, but I am becoming aware that the more intimate, precious things in our heart are the hardest things to communicate with others. This started when I went overseas and reunited with a dear friend. I think that the presence of my friend, who is like family to me, allowed me to feel so at home in England that it felt as though I was living there for too short of a time; not a visiting tourist. Upon my return to Canada, I essentially regenerated [refer to Doctor Who]. My tastes in movies, tv shows, clothes, food and (some) friends changed. I now know that I am a citizen of the world and I am Pamela, this is my globe. It seems that I have been programmed to use certain English words and phrases without even thinking about it; I don't mind this but do worry about confusing others.( I assume that "toilet" is quite offputting for those who speak North American English.)

I am writing this post as a prologue to my next entry, but it may not give you any context. Above is the first piece of poetry that has been extracted from my heart.

Labels:



Lists: Nameless Columns
Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I've fancied this idea for some time now and finally took the plunge. There is something cute and charming about the small size and simplicity of lists. I will try to keep mine short. But, these lists are not just lists of "Favourite movies", these lists are spunky and a bit unexpected. My first attempt at this experiment consisted of me thinking of subtitles for each list, but found that it just followed the predictable list feeling that I was trying to avoid and it "suppressed my creativity". Really, it did. :P

So, here. these are things that float in my head and heart.

- the history of various religions
- podcasts
- tea
- high-waisted skirts
- flowers
- mythology
- productive procrastination
- imagining the phenomenal processes in my body when I work out
- getting excited about new recipes
- shopping more often
- waves and circles are everywhere
- the elegance of math
- summer dance

I slept on this post before completing and publishing it. I feel like this form of expression and communication is somehow more pure than full sentences. I have always written in full sentences, and love writing! However, this list plan only works when we chose words that are honest and capture the real feeling. I really like the idea of my thought fragments being released, instead of me trying to put them into full sentences (whole parts-- does such a thing exist?), which sometimes makes it hard to keep the integrity of the idea.

The Law of Entropy says that everything in nature tends towards disorder, and there are an infinite amount of ways that things can be disordered, but only one way for something to be in perfect order.

"Change is nature." - Litte Chef, Ratatouille

Although there is so much chaos, there is a type of order to the chaos.

Maybe this style of writing can be equated with dancing and body language, or free verse poetry. Sometimes, taking something away that we depend on so much make the expression of the original thing so much stronger. I somehow feel like people are learning about me more deeply this way -- but it is also more fun for them since they can use their imaginations!

I would love to read your thoughts on this! (Fragmented or whole)




Faeries
Saturday, October 23, 2010

I believe that when we are tired, it is really faeries pushing down on our eye lids. It is because they are sleepy and need somewhere to sit. When the night sky is bright, it is because the faeries are having a wonderful faerie celebration. They are celebrating the four seasons, the sun, the sky, ocean, earth and love, of course. Each smile makes a chain reaction that starts by releasing fairy dust from the heavens and makes other people smile as it falls on their heads, unknowingly. Maybe faeries are just our souls floating around. Our souls exploring and dreaming, bringing back what they found to us in our dreams. Everytime someone giggles, it sounds like the most beautiful music to faerie ears. This is why it is important to laugh. When you wake up in the morning, it rouses the faeries sleeping on your eye lids and they wake up in return. They lie around the house for a while, sitting on the rim of your mug. After a while (some take HOURS), they finally leave to go explore, see their faerie friends, laugh and spread joy. They come back at night time again to sleep on your eye lids. You fall asleep in return. Earlier in the summer, I realized that my backyard was a very relaxing place to meditate in the morning. Of course, due to my lack of organization, I rarely took advantage of this. The few times I did do this though, there were lots of small (cute) bugs buzzing over the tall, tall grass. Even back then, a part of me sensed that they were faeries. It just seemed like the natural answer. Do faeries = fairies? I do not know. I read somewhere that "faeries" are a sect of Pagan/Wiccan religions. Fantasy and magic is so powerful because it touches our inner child, more than anything else. I don't think that is immature though. I think that we all need to learn to be more silly, imaginative, loving and open. I almost squealed in the library when I found out about FaerieCon. I was very pleased when I read that it includes spirituality, dancing, food and live music. I wanted so badly to tell anyone about FaerieCon but was worried that if I chose the wrong person, they would put it down and think of it as unnecessary and silly. Surprisingly, the few people I told about FaerieCon reacted well and understanding. Maybe there is more fairy dust in the air than we think.

Labels: , ,



Moi-meme


Hello, my name is Pamela


Dancer

Philosopher

Bookworm

Wordsmith

Explorer of nature

Scientist

Peruse my tales, follow their evolution from thoughts to creations!


Blog affiliates
Link Link Link Link Link Link Link Link Link Link Link Link


Archives

June 2009
August 2009
March 2010
September 2010
October 2010
March 2011
January 2012
September 2013
October 2014
September 2020

Credits and info

Contact Pamela
Layout Hiuxing designs
Blog host Blogger
Best viewed in Mozilla Firefox 2.0 ↑ (Size: 1024x268)